Intention vs. Attention

I just got off the phone with my cousin, as per our discussion, we found it is interesting how most people post on social media all the good in their lives, and use that as a way to formulate a perfect family/personal image, if you will. By most people, I mean me. I totally do that!!! Everyone always sees a the good in my life, and if I don't have anything really cute or super fun to share, I don't.

So, what stops us from "sharing" our lives? I personally don't like sharing curtain events on social media, because it is that. It's social news, blasted to everyone that follows you or you follow in a matter of seconds. If you talk to me in person, I most likely already admitted most of my daily flaws to you. So true!!! In short, you probably wont ever see me post status updates of my annoyances and grievances, which I have many; but if you read this blog, you'll probably realize that I'm not picture perfect, and I live a daily struggle and battle to be a better version of myself.
The struggle is real, my friends!!! It is really hard, and most of the time, I'm not winning.

Anyway, one thing I've been deep in thought lately is the concept of intention vs. attention. I came across this topic when analyzing my feelings for a loss. I lost a friendship a couple years back over a silly rumor. At the time, this rumor wasn't silly at all. It devastated me because my integrity was being put to question, by a close friend who I thought really knew me. I, and my husband can recall, remember crying over this friendship diminishing. As of late, this once dear friend has been having a lot of life changing events that I normally would have been part of, and I'm not. Even though, it had been a couple years ago, it still kind of hurts. Why is that?

 Was it because I had established some elevated status as a close friend, and should know every detail of someone else's life?" (being nosy) Was it because I should be there partaking of some of the goodies at the party that was held without my presence? (jealousy) Or was it because even though it had been a couple years, I still wanted to be there for them? (genuine emotions or love)

I literally asked myself these questions. Sometimes, we do things for "attention", and wanting to engage, interact, and be a part of something, to be noticed. Sometimes, we do things because our "intentions" are pure, and we aren't doing them for ourselves, but rather to share genuine emotions for others.

I'm so guilty of posting things on the internet for attention, No going to lie, when I post pictures of my kids smiling in what I think are cute outfits, I love my kids, but I totally enjoy looking at the likes on the picture or comments. Most of the time, I don't post things that are super personal to me, such as feeling extra sad because I miss my brother, feeling hurt and frustrated, because I feel like a terrible mom for yelling at my toddler, or sharing how much I love my husband for talking the time to show me I'm special to him.

After much thought and contemplation I have concluded that, if at the root of my intentions isn't to do  or feel something because of love, then it's probably not worth doing or feeling. Also, there is no shame in doing something or feeling a certain way, if I know my intentions are genuine and pure.

Intention vs. Attention
Which will you be doing?

B's birth story!

Preface: I was due on the 27th of November. Afton's birthday happens to be the 25th. I really hope and prayed he would come much sooner and their birthdays wouldn't be super close or on the same day. The week before my due date I went into my doctor for my check and set an induction date of Sunday the 23rd. Cam and I went back and forth on what to do, let it happen naturally or create the spacing? I think it is by far a very personal choice and definitely a viable option for some.

I will say, that is was nice knowing what day I was going into labor. I was able to make arrangements for Afton, get my house ready for when we come home, and make sure some of those last minute items were off my list.

Going into the hospital felt really odd to me. Last time, I was in so much pain walking in, trying to control my breathing, hurting every step of the way. I remember seeing a happy-go-lucky couple arriving to the hospital the same time we were and thinking “Why is she so happy? This hurts."

We turned into that couple. Clearly I wasn't in any pain as they had me sign paperwork or sit in the lobby. Yet, the nurses were all congratulating me on meeting my new addition today.  It seemed so surreal that today was the day, mainly because my body wasn't showing me it was. 

We arrived at 7am and by the time I have my IV in me it is a little after 8am. It had been a couple hours and no real change had occurred. The doctor decides to go a head and call for the resident doctor to break my water. For some reason, he is tied up and can't come. My doctor comes in to break my water at 11:30.  My pain level jumps from a three to and eight in seconds, maybe a minute. I ask the nurse for a pain killer that isn't the epidural. I get that. I'm still in a lot of pain, and the people that give the sacrament arrive and do their thing... I'm trying really hard to not freak out and show them how bad I'm hurting. At the same time, I get this feeling of peace and know God is with me. 

 They quickly leave. 

As soon as they leave I call for the anesthesiologist. 

He comes, and is having me fill out paper work and going through his spill. I'm so short in my responses and just want to murder him. I think he's totally not funny as he tries to crack a joke. Cam is so embarrassed at this point by how harsh and short I'm being, and I truly didn't care. I was just grateful I wasn't yelling at them or saying any of the naughty words that came to mind. 

They sit me up to put a needle in me, and I yell “I need to push!" This overwhelming urge comes and that's all I can think about is pushing. They want me to lay down, but I can't move.  There must be a break in the contractions, still in lots of pain, I tell cam to hurry and lay me down. The nurse checks, more like looks, and sure enough baby boy is coming. 

My doctor happened to be right outside my door still. He hears the yell and comes running in, followed by a whirl wind of people. Two pushes and lots of pain, little man is out! He was born at 11:58am.

Bridger Cameron Palmer 7lbs 8oz, 20 inches with a head full of hair. 

How sweet is he? After delivery, I had this  moment that I couldn't move, but just cry with relief. Once clean, I got to hold my sweet boy and have been snuggling and loving on him ever since. 

Welcome to the world Bridger, you make an amazing addition to our family. 

Mommy, Daddy, and big sister, love you very much. 

fluff vs. truth

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly due to the fact that I was so annoyed with all the fluff in my blog. I'm not going to delete it, because those posts do capture some memories, but I'm annoyed with myself. Life isn't about "fluffy". What I mean by that is life is hard. Not many people truly care about how much money you spent on an outfit, and where you went to buy those things. Not to mention, all thought I admit I'm jealous, not every family in this world gets the opportunity to travel to various countries. Still think its awesome for anyone that can, but its not a reality for most.

Truth is.... I haven't blogged because I was in a slump and I don't think I fully realized it till now. I got pregnant with little man, I was happy that we were expecting, but not happy about the timing. I love my kids, I really do. I wasn't excited about it because I had just gotten my body to myself. (I might come across as ungrateful, not my intention.) It had been almost two years since my body was mine. Pregnant, well there is 9/10 months (depending on the way you look at it), nursing my child who refused to take a bottle or a pacifier, so there was another year tacked on. I'm finally just me and my baby is independent and on her own, WHAM!  Two months later I'm prego again. 

Now that I'm over it, little man is here, I can reflect on that time. It was hard. My poor husband is a good man, I was one emotionally unstable pregnant lady with a fierce attitude. (We are still married, and he still tells me he loves me. Luckily.) One minute I'm happy about life, next minute I'm hungry. I get distracted and a Hangry Monster appears. Feed me, and then I'm happy again and don't think twice about what I just said. Truth. This is the ugly truth.

I am so grateful that pregnancy ends and the big man upstairs sent me an easy babe. He is wonderful. (birth story to come). 

Reflection:

Like I said in the beginning that I was in a slump, I would almost call it a minor depression. I had lost my way.It's not like I was constantly unhappy, for that isn't true. I just didn't realize how weighed down I felt. I like to think i'm not the only person that has felt this way, and I'm sure I'm not. For me, I had lost something very important, and that was my personal identity.

I love being a wife. Most importantly, I love being a wife, because of who I'm married to. Is he flawed? Absolutely. Am I? Incredibly. Together, we work. Being a wife, makes me happy.  Also, I love being a mom. Is it hard? Yes! Is it rewarding? Like words cannot describe. My children mean the world to me, and there isn't much I wouldn't do for them. With all this happiness, and that being said, there need to be balance.

Is it wrong to try to be the best spouse you can be and create meals, lunches, keep up on all the house work, and try to coordinate and run a schedule for your husband? No. Is it wrong to fix your kids healthy meals, have them well dressed, hair done, and splurge and give them things they don't need? No. Where I went wrong is that was all I was doing. I wasn't doing anything to further myself educationally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

It isn't good to do things that make you happy and feel so weighed down by them. Since having little man, I've had time to think about who am I? Who is Liz? What does she like to do? What makes her feel confident? What, that is in the budget, can help me feel more put together?

All these answers are different for every person. Do I have good days and feel like I can take on the world? Heck yes! Do i have days were all I want to do is hit the reset button and go back to bed? YES!!!!!

So what changes? Its completely possible to have a good day where bad things happen, and have a horrible day where nothing truly sucked but nothing was super awesome either. What changed? Me. It had to. I'm still trying to find out who I am, and trying to make more time for myself, but I can say that the slump is gone. This is and will be a reminder to myself of how subtle the slump was, and that being weighed down isn't normal.