Intention vs. Attention

I just got off the phone with my cousin, as per our discussion, we found it is interesting how most people post on social media all the good in their lives, and use that as a way to formulate a perfect family/personal image, if you will. By most people, I mean me. I totally do that!!! Everyone always sees a the good in my life, and if I don't have anything really cute or super fun to share, I don't.

So, what stops us from "sharing" our lives? I personally don't like sharing curtain events on social media, because it is that. It's social news, blasted to everyone that follows you or you follow in a matter of seconds. If you talk to me in person, I most likely already admitted most of my daily flaws to you. So true!!! In short, you probably wont ever see me post status updates of my annoyances and grievances, which I have many; but if you read this blog, you'll probably realize that I'm not picture perfect, and I live a daily struggle and battle to be a better version of myself.
The struggle is real, my friends!!! It is really hard, and most of the time, I'm not winning.

Anyway, one thing I've been deep in thought lately is the concept of intention vs. attention. I came across this topic when analyzing my feelings for a loss. I lost a friendship a couple years back over a silly rumor. At the time, this rumor wasn't silly at all. It devastated me because my integrity was being put to question, by a close friend who I thought really knew me. I, and my husband can recall, remember crying over this friendship diminishing. As of late, this once dear friend has been having a lot of life changing events that I normally would have been part of, and I'm not. Even though, it had been a couple years ago, it still kind of hurts. Why is that?

 Was it because I had established some elevated status as a close friend, and should know every detail of someone else's life?" (being nosy) Was it because I should be there partaking of some of the goodies at the party that was held without my presence? (jealousy) Or was it because even though it had been a couple years, I still wanted to be there for them? (genuine emotions or love)

I literally asked myself these questions. Sometimes, we do things for "attention", and wanting to engage, interact, and be a part of something, to be noticed. Sometimes, we do things because our "intentions" are pure, and we aren't doing them for ourselves, but rather to share genuine emotions for others.

I'm so guilty of posting things on the internet for attention, No going to lie, when I post pictures of my kids smiling in what I think are cute outfits, I love my kids, but I totally enjoy looking at the likes on the picture or comments. Most of the time, I don't post things that are super personal to me, such as feeling extra sad because I miss my brother, feeling hurt and frustrated, because I feel like a terrible mom for yelling at my toddler, or sharing how much I love my husband for talking the time to show me I'm special to him.

After much thought and contemplation I have concluded that, if at the root of my intentions isn't to do  or feel something because of love, then it's probably not worth doing or feeling. Also, there is no shame in doing something or feeling a certain way, if I know my intentions are genuine and pure.

Intention vs. Attention
Which will you be doing?

B's birth story!

Preface: I was due on the 27th of November. Afton's birthday happens to be the 25th. I really hope and prayed he would come much sooner and their birthdays wouldn't be super close or on the same day. The week before my due date I went into my doctor for my check and set an induction date of Sunday the 23rd. Cam and I went back and forth on what to do, let it happen naturally or create the spacing? I think it is by far a very personal choice and definitely a viable option for some.

I will say, that is was nice knowing what day I was going into labor. I was able to make arrangements for Afton, get my house ready for when we come home, and make sure some of those last minute items were off my list.

Going into the hospital felt really odd to me. Last time, I was in so much pain walking in, trying to control my breathing, hurting every step of the way. I remember seeing a happy-go-lucky couple arriving to the hospital the same time we were and thinking “Why is she so happy? This hurts."

We turned into that couple. Clearly I wasn't in any pain as they had me sign paperwork or sit in the lobby. Yet, the nurses were all congratulating me on meeting my new addition today.  It seemed so surreal that today was the day, mainly because my body wasn't showing me it was. 

We arrived at 7am and by the time I have my IV in me it is a little after 8am. It had been a couple hours and no real change had occurred. The doctor decides to go a head and call for the resident doctor to break my water. For some reason, he is tied up and can't come. My doctor comes in to break my water at 11:30.  My pain level jumps from a three to and eight in seconds, maybe a minute. I ask the nurse for a pain killer that isn't the epidural. I get that. I'm still in a lot of pain, and the people that give the sacrament arrive and do their thing... I'm trying really hard to not freak out and show them how bad I'm hurting. At the same time, I get this feeling of peace and know God is with me. 

 They quickly leave. 

As soon as they leave I call for the anesthesiologist. 

He comes, and is having me fill out paper work and going through his spill. I'm so short in my responses and just want to murder him. I think he's totally not funny as he tries to crack a joke. Cam is so embarrassed at this point by how harsh and short I'm being, and I truly didn't care. I was just grateful I wasn't yelling at them or saying any of the naughty words that came to mind. 

They sit me up to put a needle in me, and I yell “I need to push!" This overwhelming urge comes and that's all I can think about is pushing. They want me to lay down, but I can't move.  There must be a break in the contractions, still in lots of pain, I tell cam to hurry and lay me down. The nurse checks, more like looks, and sure enough baby boy is coming. 

My doctor happened to be right outside my door still. He hears the yell and comes running in, followed by a whirl wind of people. Two pushes and lots of pain, little man is out! He was born at 11:58am.

Bridger Cameron Palmer 7lbs 8oz, 20 inches with a head full of hair. 

How sweet is he? After delivery, I had this  moment that I couldn't move, but just cry with relief. Once clean, I got to hold my sweet boy and have been snuggling and loving on him ever since. 

Welcome to the world Bridger, you make an amazing addition to our family. 

Mommy, Daddy, and big sister, love you very much. 

fluff vs. truth

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly due to the fact that I was so annoyed with all the fluff in my blog. I'm not going to delete it, because those posts do capture some memories, but I'm annoyed with myself. Life isn't about "fluffy". What I mean by that is life is hard. Not many people truly care about how much money you spent on an outfit, and where you went to buy those things. Not to mention, all thought I admit I'm jealous, not every family in this world gets the opportunity to travel to various countries. Still think its awesome for anyone that can, but its not a reality for most.

Truth is.... I haven't blogged because I was in a slump and I don't think I fully realized it till now. I got pregnant with little man, I was happy that we were expecting, but not happy about the timing. I love my kids, I really do. I wasn't excited about it because I had just gotten my body to myself. (I might come across as ungrateful, not my intention.) It had been almost two years since my body was mine. Pregnant, well there is 9/10 months (depending on the way you look at it), nursing my child who refused to take a bottle or a pacifier, so there was another year tacked on. I'm finally just me and my baby is independent and on her own, WHAM!  Two months later I'm prego again. 

Now that I'm over it, little man is here, I can reflect on that time. It was hard. My poor husband is a good man, I was one emotionally unstable pregnant lady with a fierce attitude. (We are still married, and he still tells me he loves me. Luckily.) One minute I'm happy about life, next minute I'm hungry. I get distracted and a Hangry Monster appears. Feed me, and then I'm happy again and don't think twice about what I just said. Truth. This is the ugly truth.

I am so grateful that pregnancy ends and the big man upstairs sent me an easy babe. He is wonderful. (birth story to come). 

Reflection:

Like I said in the beginning that I was in a slump, I would almost call it a minor depression. I had lost my way.It's not like I was constantly unhappy, for that isn't true. I just didn't realize how weighed down I felt. I like to think i'm not the only person that has felt this way, and I'm sure I'm not. For me, I had lost something very important, and that was my personal identity.

I love being a wife. Most importantly, I love being a wife, because of who I'm married to. Is he flawed? Absolutely. Am I? Incredibly. Together, we work. Being a wife, makes me happy.  Also, I love being a mom. Is it hard? Yes! Is it rewarding? Like words cannot describe. My children mean the world to me, and there isn't much I wouldn't do for them. With all this happiness, and that being said, there need to be balance.

Is it wrong to try to be the best spouse you can be and create meals, lunches, keep up on all the house work, and try to coordinate and run a schedule for your husband? No. Is it wrong to fix your kids healthy meals, have them well dressed, hair done, and splurge and give them things they don't need? No. Where I went wrong is that was all I was doing. I wasn't doing anything to further myself educationally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

It isn't good to do things that make you happy and feel so weighed down by them. Since having little man, I've had time to think about who am I? Who is Liz? What does she like to do? What makes her feel confident? What, that is in the budget, can help me feel more put together?

All these answers are different for every person. Do I have good days and feel like I can take on the world? Heck yes! Do i have days were all I want to do is hit the reset button and go back to bed? YES!!!!!

So what changes? Its completely possible to have a good day where bad things happen, and have a horrible day where nothing truly sucked but nothing was super awesome either. What changed? Me. It had to. I'm still trying to find out who I am, and trying to make more time for myself, but I can say that the slump is gone. This is and will be a reminder to myself of how subtle the slump was, and that being weighed down isn't normal. 

Evaluating 2013

Due to lack of blogging, one might concluded that we have fallen off the face of the earth. Truth is, we are still here and we are still kicking. Just life is changing and evolving, sometimes faster than we want.

2013, What did it bring?

The New Year give us all an opportunity to reflect on the past, and decided that path we want to pursue or let go of. In the year of 2013, I have experienced parenting first hand. I have had many priceless moments with our daughter, and already a lot of self evaluation on the person I want her to be raised by.

As a mom, I have learned that sweating the small stuff doesn't create happiness. Every moment I have with my child is a gift and a blessing. She is learning and growing, and throwing tantrums is a part of her development. I need to help learn to self soothe now so she can learn to handle conflict in her future. Most importantly, love is always the best teacher. That doesn't mean she never hears the word "no". I find it essential that she does, and know that there are boundaries. However, it does mean that as soon as she hears the word know and stops the behavior, I should automatically show her and increase of love and know that she is still loved.

As a wife, I have learned that pride ruins everything. I am probably one of the most prideful individuals that I know, I hate admitting I cannot do something. Also, I despise admitting I am wrong. In a marriage, it is extremely obvious as to why that could be a problem. I have learned by letting go of pride and racing to be the first to say I'm sorry, truly can make the difference.

As a friend, I've concluded that i have room for improvement. Friends tend to come in my life as fast as they go out of my life. The most important lesson I've learned the last couple years is this, "the people that want to be in your life, will make it a priority to be there." Maybe not everyday, but they will make sacrifices that show you they care. In return, there are quite a few people that I wish I was more apart of their lives, because I truly do love and care for them. This is why I have room for improvement. On the flip side, I've also been apart of the one sided friendship, where I have made all the effort and there is no reciprocation. At some point, you just need to focus on those that want to be present in your life.

As a person, 2013 had its moments for me. Moments of pure happiness- I could go on and on ranting about those, moments of sadness- It always breaks my heart having someone I care about hurt, moments of pure stupidity- enough is said about that one, moments of laughter, which I live for. Most importantly, moments that improve my spirituality.

This is not a post of finding pity. In fact, for me, this is a post of evaluation. You can't know where you want to go until you have acknowledged where you have been.

When my brother passed away in 2010, I was beyond devastated. Needless to say, I knew I had a choice, I could either continue to be angry, hurt, spiteful of his death or I could choose to honor the person that he was. I am convinced that I was raised with an angel. Someone who was giving, kind, forgiving, patient, loving, and everything else you could imagine. I vowed that I would become a much better version of myself and honor him in my actions. (This does not mean I don't make mistakes, for I tell you I do, but it does mean that I will try to correct them.)

Which this all brings me to 2014, and my desire to improve in all aspects of life. I cannot wait for the new beginnings of our adventure, and future opportunities that we will explore. I love being a mom, and live for the lessons my daughter teaches me. I know that we are truly blessed, and cannot express my gratitude enough for God as my companion.

My only hope for all of you is that you make 2014 better than 2013. This does not mean that difficulties and trials wont come your way, but I pray that we all can change our attitudes on how we handle them and make 2014 even better.

xoxo, till next time!

Blessed Beyond Measure

It is so easy for me to write about crafts or things that I see, but it is so hard for me to really express my feelings or share intimate details about our lives. I'm sure I'm not the only person that goes through these emotions as well.

Lately, I have been feeling very inadequate. I know I have many flaws and imperfections. I've made mistakes, said things that I shouldn't have, and hurt people that I care about. I'm not always the best example of being a Christian either. However, I do try to be a good person, wife, and mother, but tend to fall short. I feel so undeserving of the blessings all around me. To top it off, I still find that the Lord knows me by name and finds ways to tell me I am worth all the pruning, that He sees this jewel inside me that He is polishing me till I'm perfect.

I really don't know how I was blessed with such a loving daughter, and an amazing man as my husband. My little girl really teaches me so much, and I feel like she is working on me to be the best mom I can be.

 6 months

 7 months

 8 months

9 months

The other day we were at the park, she seems to be a very friendly baby and always has new friends. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn't let my baby shouldn't play with certain kids, because they might be a little rough with her. She teaches me to be more patient and kind. She looks at every kid with loving eyes and sees their worth. She give them a genuine smile and is so excited to play. When they are a little rough with her and they push her over, she gets sad but forgives quickly and is ready to play again. She still has that same love in her eyes as the first time she sees them. I just see how angelic she is, and how sweet and kind she is.. How did I get such a sweet girl in my life? I truly hope that she will be an even better person than her mom, but I have come to the realization that these moments need to be documented or they will be forgotten. Also, I NEED to learn these lesson myself and HAVE to live by her example. Once day, she will be old enough to remember everything her mother does, and when that time comes I will need to be ready to lead her as she is leading me. 

How can I not see how blessed I am? For this very reason I can honestly say that I am blessed beyond measure. Thank goodness for Blake Shelton's song for he helped me phrase this the best.... I know that God gave me you (Cameron and Afton) for all the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt, and for when I think I've lost my way. There are no words here left to say, It's true, God gave me you.

Cowgirl up!

Our little sister, Jade, raises a steer every year for the 4H competition. She sells the steer at the county fair and her trend lately has been to ride the steer as she is showing him around the arena. Her steer this year is still in training but Afton was able to ride him for a couple seconds.
Here is a picture of our baby girl "Cowgirl'd UP"!

She will probably be like her aunt and this will not be the first time she will ride a steer. Needless to say, it is the first and at 6 months she is a rock star!

For those that don't know what a steer is it is a cow. I'm pretty sure someone saw this picture and told my mom they saw her granddaughter on a horse. 

Haha! Well now you all know, it's a cow! (:

Hope you're having a great day!

Who is raising whom?

I have looked through the pictures on my phone and I'm blown away by how fast this little girl is growing. In fact, I will show you.

                                                            Newborn

                                                            1 month

                                                          2 months

                                                          3 months

                                                           4 months                                                         

                                                               5 months

I seriously cannot believe the changes and how blessed we are.

I remember being in the hospital and feeling completely overwhelmed by this little girl. For some reason the idea of my choices altering and impacting this little girls future terrified me. I kept thinking how am I going to do it. I'm going to come back to this thought.

In our Sunday school class the instructor was talking about the blessing of children in our homes. We were discussing when you should have children and how soon after marriage you should wait. We all concluded that it is a couples decision and the Lord will tell you when. In the midst of this discussion a very profound statement was said that is ingrained in my heart. The instructor had said that "adults do not produce children, but children produce adults". I testify to all of you how true that statement is.

This beautiful eyed little girl has taught me and raised me to be a more mature, patient, and loving individual ever since she was born. I also see the impact and the visible love my husband has for her. Including the positive changes he has made in his life for her.

I am no longer afraid of not being a good enough parent. Afton is raising me to be the mom she needs me to be. I am so grateful for life lesson from a cute little stinker. I look forward to the many more she will bring to me.